Nothing’s makes you feel like you’re losing your mind more than losing your loved one, especially when you’re too young to process the impact it’ll have on your life when you’re much older. When my father was murdered, it altered my life drastically. I was also upset at myself for not saying goodbye when I had the chance to.
My father loved listening to Peter Gabriel’s ‘Secret World Live’ album, ‘The Blood of Eden’ in particular. A few weeks before his untimely death, he asked me to write the lyrics down for him. Whenever I listened to the song, I’d feel as though his spirit was right there with me – as painful as it was for me to confront my memories of him, this song was and will always be dear to me. I didn’t understand the song then, but I’ve since managed to have my own interpretation of the lyrics. The extract below best resonates with me and what I went through during that period:
“I caught sight of my reflection/I caught it in the window/I saw the darkness in my heart/I saw the signs of my undoing/they had been there from the start”
I then became a very angry and violent kid, I think this partially had to do with the fact that my dad was murdered in cold blood. Soon afterwards, my relationship with my mother started deteriorating and I started to listen to the one artist I could relate to: Eminem. I’d regularly listen to ‘Cleaning Out My Closet’ to vent:
“See what hurts me the most is you won’t admit you was wrong/Keep telling yourself that you was a mom!”
Being compelled to grow up quickly means that you have a hard time relating to your peers at a later stage and I was so desperate to fit in that I ended up compromising myself. My insecurities had me seeking validation from all the wrong places; involving myself with the crappy breed of men in order to feel “complete”. I’ve experienced a few bad break-ups which have left me feeling that relationships are an unnecessary a distraction – one I can do without. The typical “Diary of a mad (bitter) back woman” scenario.
“See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart/Never really had luck, couldn’t ever figure out/How to love”
I am however realizing my worth – it’s a gradual process. I’m learning that despite my BS, my past and everything in-between, I am actually flipping phenomenal. My focus is now on recreating and rebranding myself. I’ve left all the unnecessary drama where it belongs – behind me.
Music will ALWAYS be an integral part of my life, and it’s hard to deny God’s existence when you feel it every time you listen to your favorite song – Peter Gabriel ‘In Your Eyes’ best epitomizes that for me.